I’m often told by those who read my blog that they could never write such personal things for the world to see. I feel I should answer this. Until about a decade ago, I kept things to myself. I hid my true feelings from most everyone, slapped a smile on my face, and tried my hardest to be everything to everyone. This ended up with me having a nervous breakdown. Part of my ongoing therapy is to be honest about what’s in my heart to myself, and others.
Nowadays, many of those who encouraged me for so long to stand up for myself find they don’t like it when I do. After telling me over and over to speak my mind, they wish I wouldn’t. Those who have turned to me repeatedly in times of need aren’t my friends anymore. Many who said time and again they loved my honesty despise me when that honesty shows them in an unfavorable light.
I’ve come to accept that there are few that truly want the truth from me. This doesn’t mean I should stop, in fact, I’ve learned the hardest way that the silence only brings misery to my soul. I’ve lost so many loved ones over the years, and watched many I’ve loved walk away without even glancing back. Truth be told? I’ve come to expect it, and try to be ok anyway. I don’t want to be a cynical and jaded individual, so I continue to look for the love and beauty in the world around me. I often lie awake at night, seeking peace in my heart, and each day I try to make the world a better place for my children and their children.
I am no perfect person, though I strive daily to be a better person than the day before. I’ve been told that “I don’t know HOW to give up”, and this is probably the truest thing ever said about me. I don’t like to walk away from those I care about, and have many times made my own life harder to make it easier for others. They say misery loves company, but I find that loneliness surrounds me in my darkest hours. When the Fates aren’t meting out some fresh ugliness into my world, they are plotting my next upheaval.
So, to those who feel I should keep my thoughts private, I ask this: Do you never say what’s in your heart? If you do, then please, understand that I must as well. To those who support me, no matter what, I am forever in your debt.